"Stop wasting your love on undeserving people" - an advice worth listening?

A friend made a comment and it got me thinking about boundaries in any relationship. How much we give in a relationship and should we expect something in return? The message was a suggestion for me to ‘“stop giving your attention to people who rarely or never make time for you” 

It struck a cord and bothered me for days because I always thought we do things because they make us happy, not for other people. It is not 100% true either, because we expect something in return, some respect, reciprocation, adulation and admiration. At the same time I know it shouldn’t be the driving force for our behavior. Hence the remark stayed with me, I couldn’t get over it. 

My morning conversation with my dad started with that question. He is one of those people who always would call/write and worry about people.  He will remember everyone’s birthday and anniversary and make sure to wish them. Keeps in touch with everyone, that’s who he is. I asked him how he felt about it and he agreed that we need to find a balance between being a giver and then being careful not to live in a one sided relationship. It has to have a balance. He said he is thinking differently at this stage of his life, he is not “overdoing” it anymore and asked me to find that balance for me too. He told me to follow my heart and advised that I should know who really care for me and keep them close. I need to worry if I am depleting my energy on people who just don’t care in investing in a friendship.  

इतने हिस्सों में बट गया हूँ मैं 

मेरे हिस्से में कुछ बचा ही नहीं -कृष्ण बिहारी नूर

The saree is a gift of love. a dear friend from highschool came to drop her daughter and visited me with her husband and daughter. . She met me after 30+ yrs. They live in Surat, Its a textile capital of India. They got me 6 sarees this is one of them. 

We bought the house in 2003 and Marge was our realtor, and soon enough she had taken over the role of my American mom. Pie from her for our Thanksgiving. 

The saree is a reminder that I do have people who will not check their schedule for me, they will adjust their day according to my schedule for me. 

I haven't known Maria for very long but you would never know if you see us together. sometimes you just have a place in your life and heart saved just for someone special. We both found that in each other. a Sunday afternoon lunch with Maria. 

A Diwali to remember Nov 2020

 Every year I promise my self I will do better next year and it happened again.

I celebrate Diwali at my house, invite some close friends and neighbors, both indian and non Indian. Many of them meet once a year at my home. The evening is all about food and fun. Every year I decide I will cook fewer dishes, get ready on time, paint my nails and put on some makeup and all these promises to myself fail every year. I always make a few things more than the planned menu, always rush to get ready and never have time to do some extra “dressing up”. By the time we are done, everyone is well fed, happy, boxes ready for their lunch next day.

This year we are modifying everything and Covid sure made us think about what is important to us.

With all the things to consider, I had to cut short my guest list. We decided to meet for outdoor lunch with the 3 other families I grew old with. We are still not meeting indoors and maintaining the social distancing protocol. Miyan lit the firepit so ladies could enjoy wearing their sarees without freezing.

We sat around fire eating and chatting. It didn’t feel like Diwali night but sure it felt like celebration. It was strange to not have the whole crowd in my home for Diwali. The texts from many of them assured me that they were missing it too.

I didn’t cook too many dishes but again it was plenty of food for leftovers, I still couldn’t get ready the way I wanted to but it didn’t matter. My table was not as full as the years goneby but it was still fun. I still couldn’t manage to paint my nails , or do my hair and this year couldn’t even do any rangoli. Once everyone left I took a nap in the afternoon on the day of Diwali.

Evening felt so weird with nothing much to do when under normal circumstances my house would be full of friends and food and laughter, other than loading the dishwasher, cleaning and putting things away. I made Khichadi for dinner. Things are different yet the same. I went to bed feeling content, happy, grateful and with a smile on my face.

A beautiful Banarasi georgette from Banaras. So prefect for a chilly, breezy, not so sunny fall day.

I wish i also had time for a nicer pic- every year this happens too.

Anand didnt want to be any part of it so he stayed in his room eating pasta while everyone else was devouring his moms cooking. so this was our family -1 picture.

Today, tomorrow and always - This too shall pass.

***Posted on Nov 3rd 2020 afternoon*** the Election day

 

Its a weird day for all of us. and today during my routine call I was talking to my mom about racial, cultural and political divide- the era we live in.

She listens as she always does and then we move on to some old stories. Today- in all these days - she decides to tell me the story how she was sold for 50 paisa when she was born.

My mother is post independence girl in a new India, born in a small village in Chattisgarh. there was only one muslim family out of 300+ household.

My grandma lost 2 daughters ( still born) and then when my mom was born, a muslim neighbor bought my mother for 50 paisa. then in return gave away the girl to my grandma as ख़ैरात benefaction.

My mother survived. My grandma always felt grateful for the trade or transaction. I was joking that allah and god both were watching over her.

Today after our conversation I realize how important it it to have that in mind. while driving I noticed two neighbor across the street had Biden/ Harris and Trump/pence yard sign.

After today, I hope they still be able to hold each other’s hand in solidarity with fight against, poverty, Covid, injustice and extremism of any kind. I hope they help each other in sickness and bad time and celebrate good time.

Today is this weird state of mind all I can think of how a 50 paisa exchange for a child made my heart smile and taught it to be hopeful. 

We are going to be fine people. just be nice and kind to each other. 

A morning in CapeCod. The sun is reminder of warmth and energy.  

The Sign made me write this post. Notice the sign. I wonder and hope they are nice to each other. because in next winter storm neither party people are coming to help them, they have to be there for each other.

The Tree in my yard, It was lush, full and alive just couple of weeks ago. Today it stands barren but I know first sign of spring and it will be the same again. its a cycle this too shall pass as long as we hold on to our roots. Breathe and smile.