Keep calm and Saree on - a tribute to Sunita Budhiraja

Thursday had so many incidents in one day. I had a very important meeting. It was 2 hours long one so I took the day off. Little did I know that the day would show me so many colors of life. Woke up with the sad news of the passing of a woman I adored and respected in the Saree world. She was an epitome of grace, persona and passion. She brought so many of us saree lovers together. All these years without many knowing she introduced many to handloom sarees. Covid has taken so many amazing people away. My heart is so heavy typing this.

I was invited to meet a mom in law from Moms Network. It was a good hours drive so I decided to meet a friend mid way. The unplanned trip was much needed, we talked about our life, kids and various interests. She had no idea how welcoming that break was for my noisy mind.

The lunch was full of flavor and love and the kid in that household who really knows how to keep everyone involved. A grocery store stop and the day was just gone. I wonder how many of us wish for a few more hours in a day. A phone call during my drive is what is bothering me today. A friend  is going through a tough time, after 15 years spending life with a man, she is struggling to keep things in the right perspective. She is questioning her marriage and decision and standing at a crossroad. I wish I could be of any help. Hopefully she finds a path in the right direction.

The morning meeting was a peek into the Boston Non Profit world and I was in awe of those young people who know their calling. How they want to make a change in the world. I hope I will be able to talk about that stuff some day. Till then all I can say is “keep calm and saree on”. I struggled to keep my mind in right place, didnt feel like "getting ready" I couldnt shake Sunita di's death but thought of her and had to wear the saree. I saw the article night before and was smiling thinking she and I have the same saree. That was a sign she will always be around us. 

Love comes in many forms - Home cooked lunch is one of them - a pahadi delicacy I think its called Suhale 

Sunita Budhiraja  was an author and poet a very renowned communications professional.
Biographer of  Pandit Jaraj. She started Six Yards and 365 Days on  social media to promote handloom and wearing saree in 2015. I am part of that group. She started a trust/foundation of same name to support weavers.

Prashna-Paanchali and Saat Suron Ke Beech  and Pandit Jasraj- Rasraj are some of her books.

She died of COVID last week. her mom passed away 2 days before her.

https://www.unnatisilks.com/blog/sunita-budhiraja-the-founder-and-chairperson-of-six-yards-and-365-days

 

I was invited to speak on her group about Desi Moms Network on April 2nd this year.

 I have a very similar Kanjivaram Saree - a treasure now 

कोंपलें फिर फूट आईं शाख़ पर कहना उसे - a morning April17th, 2021

“You are crazy but in a good way” - A compliment from my son.

Some mornings are just wet, easy and lazy. Today was one of those. I woke up earlier than usual and that gave me an early start. Posted some pictures on my Saree pact journey and began my day. 

I made desi Tea and husband made a nice breakfast. Anand decided to spend his morning in the basement with legos. The 3 of us sat on the table and I noticed the tree right outside my window is full of buds. A rain shower in April is so magical. And the first thing that came to my mind was - “konpalen phir phoot aayeen, shaakh par, kehnaa use” कोंपलें फिर फूट आईं शाख़ पर कहना उसे! 

My older son has always been my captive audience. I had to recite two lines for him, knowing very well that he couldn’t understand the verse, so I translated them. He is such a darling son, he paid attention to what I was trying to convey. I got frustrated butchering that beautiful piece of poetry. 

The conversation then moved to how Khan Sahab Mehndi Hassan (the singer, a legend in Ghazal genre ) and then young Farhat Shahzad ( the lyricist) met by chance and their first collaboration started a whole new direction for both of them. Coincidentally that album was my introduction to Khan Sahab and Farhat sahab. Those Ghazals forced me to pay attention to Khan Sahab. Younger me was a Jagjit Singh fan but Farhat Sahab’s poetry and Khan Sahab’s voice  in this album widened my world even more. I went on explaining to my son how that one album became an amazing memory and later the reason I met Farhat Sahab. Few years ago when he visited Boston he came home for breakfast with his amazing wife. I think the mango I served did some magic and Amrit begum took me in her heart and life. Our friendship is beyond Khan Sahab, Farhat Sahab and ghazals and music now. It is a sum of so many things in life. I went to San Diego in Sept 2019  and it was one of the most memorable trips of my life. I was with them for a long weekend. The drive along the Pacific sea coast, listening to ghazals and miles of no conversation, only Khan Sahab’s voice and endless ocean by the side. My son laughed when I told him that I asked Farhat Sahab to just stop the car so I could dip my feet. During those 3 days I was just me, not a wife or a mom or anything. 

This morning I sat outside on my porch on this cold and wet morning, listening to this beautiful ghazal and didn’t even know when the tears started to roll down my cheeks, without any warning.

That’s the magic of the words and the voice. 

Sunset in Tijuana Mexico Cannot thank both of them enough to put up with my craziness of sunset, ocean, ghazals and everything else which comes with it. 

 

and thats how it started this morning.

कोंपलें फिर फूट आईं शाख़ पर कहना उसे

वो न समझा है न समझेगा मगर कहना उसे

वक़्त का तूफ़ान हर इक शय बहा कर ले गया

इतनी तन्हा हो गई है रहगुज़र कहना उसे

जा रहा है छोड़ कर तन्हा मुझे जिसके लिये

चैन न दे पायेगा वो सीम-ओ-ज़र कहना उसे

रिस रहा हो ख़ून दिल से लब मगर हँसते रहे

कर गया बरबाद मुझको ये हुनर कहना उसे

जिसने ज़ख़्मों से मेरा 'शहज़ाद' सीना भर दिया

मुस्करा कर आज प्यारे चारागर कहना उसे

- फ़रहत शहज़ाद 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHQzZW5SG1o&t=438s

another link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5QPs78IP1w

Grief - It has taken on a new level of intensity

 Conversations with my mom everyday bring out different aspects of her and my life. Today it was all about what grief really is.

My mom lost her nephew today, he was 61 and the newest victim of COVID in our family. Why did I not call him my cousin ? Because in our conversation today that’s who he was - my mom’s nephew. 

We are all dealing with the overwhelming nature of this pandemic, many have lost family members , jobs , financial security, relationships and some have found new a perspective in life. This grief is not just what it meant all our life, it is complicated. Today I witnessed it first hand.

My mom lived with her cousins during her school years. She grew up with four brothers and 2 sisters-in-law. The other two SILs came later. But her teen years memories are all about these 6 people and then their children. She loved being the “bua”(Aunt) to those kids. 

This morning she was busy doing her stuff and missed some phone calls and lots of WhatsApp messages . When she finally got the news she was just devastated. I didn’t know what to say and then I realized nothing will help her. She is miles away in Bangalore from everyone and even if she was close by she couldn’t have been there anyway. The complete lockdown and Covid related deaths have changed how we grieve. 

So I did something different - made her recall her happy memories and then she did turn into the bua she always was. How she had played with him, loved dressing him up, taught him to walk and talk, what a happy and wonderful child he was, how happy she was when he started calling her bua and how she always admired the soft-spoken man he turned into. 

It’s funny how she made me remember my own time. I lived exactly like that for a couple of months with this cousin’s son. I stayed in my Mama’s home for some time and did the same with my nephew what my mother did for her’s.

I told her it’s okay to cry and relive these memories. It’s okay to feel anger and frustration. She has seen a lot of losses in her life but untimely deaths are the hardest and also the inability to grieve with family makes it harder. This is a year of mourning, we are not able to say our goodbyes to our loved one, not able to touch them and whisper in their ears how much we will miss them. Not being able to hug who are left behind.

I know she went to bed crying and remembering everyone she has lost in the last few years. All her brothers and their wives are gone. But this loss from the next generation I think hit her the hardest. I will grieve for my cousin some other time. Today I am grieving for my mother’s loss.

Wish I had something better to say to her but for now all we can do is hold on to each other and somehow get through this time of our lives.

Mami with her son and daughter and me 

Mami with Ashish and Jaya 

Dreams and wishes should have wings not chains of reality

A Conversation with Amma (my mom)- A Role Reversal.

My phone conversations with Amma have no boundaries . It just flows. That’s how conversations should be - you would say. But I want them to be happy and fun and imagine they should always make her happy. That is my wish as a daughter but I am sure they some time evoke sadness, guilt, regrets and make her question her beliefs too.

I am not just an obedient daughter, I challenge her to her core too. I force her to let go of sad memories, make her hang on to happy memories and sometimes be a bigger person. 

My parents haven’t been to Balaghat, our home town for over a year. They miss their family and friends but very well know that their being with my sister for now is the best thing for all of us. They are happier and healthier in Bangalore. Today we were talking about their bucket list and she had a simple list of things to do in Balaghat when they go after their vaccination. A prayer (Satyanarayan pooja) at home, sarees for a few women, visiting the ancestral home, and meeting some old relatives. I told her these are not for the bucket list but rather they are for the “to do” list. She said -“well, I cannot add visiting Kashmir in the list, even if I want to, that is not real”. It just made me realize how simple and adorable my mom is. She said -”jo ho nahi sakta hai wo kyon sochana” (why dream about something which is not possible). She insisted that a person should dream having reality in mind and I disagreed. I said we should dream only then the universe will listen. I wonder how come such a content woman delivered this dreamer daughter. I reminded her that if her daughters were not dreamers, things would have been so different for all of us.

We grew up in a small town, had limited resources but we are some of the most fierce women you will meet. All four of her daughters are one of a kind, rebels, ambitious and out of the box thinkers.  She fueled our passion with her love, support and confidence. I told her that she is “one” of the ”many” wind beneath our wings.She is our biggest cheerleader and that is enough for us.

 I reminded her that for their 50th anniversary and Papa’s 80th Bday they didn’t want a big party. We made them pick a place and 6 of us “Jhas” went to Goa because “she, my mom” wished for it.

This conversation has opened the door to many more. I want my mom to believe that“dreams are to dream for,” there shouldn’t be any restrictions of reality, money and time. I am so looking forward to seeing her list tomorrow. My mom got an assignment too :) - she has to make a bucket list not a to do list :) 

This is us - "then" 

and all of us in Goa 2018

My wishlist? have a drink with Amma and Papa - Feni in Goa  and she LOVED it ;)  

The Statue of Unity, Gujrat - again her wish list - A highschool friend and her husband made it happen 

Golden Temple Amritsar - Amma's 

And Wagha Border VIP seats first row - One thing from Papa's wish list - Thankful to some friends for making it happen.

A block print saree to join a saree zoom with Mom from Desi Moms Network.

 

What is in your wish list - not for this lifetime but after

During my 2012 trip to India I started the conversation with my parents about their wishes and will. We all know how difficult this conversation is in Indian households. No one wants to talk about “what if I die”. We have seen many unpleasant circumstances around us related to death. Hence this conversation was very important. We are 4 sisters with different mindsets when it comes to religious customs and rituals. So it comes down to what “they” want and believe in, not their daughters.

Over the years their wish list has been evolving. My mother had expressed a wish to donate her body and organs for medical research. ( I am so proud of her for thinking out of the box). They have listed down what they really want for their last rites and rituals. I feel strange writing about it, the daughter in me is cringing and hesitating but at the same time the proud daughter cannot wait to let you know how beyond their time my parents are.

They have been writing/modifying their will for a few years now. The idea about assets, jewelry has remained the same but their wishes are evolving.

My parents believe in all rituals and customs, my dad is very religious and my mother is a believer. So we knew they both would want all those rituals  performed in their home in Balaghat. They are Maithil Brahmans so Prayag (Allahabad), Banaras and Gaya are significant places for them.

But Covid changed everyone and I am amazed that my parents adopted the change really well.

Our conversation turned to the newest modification that they are releasing their daughters from all obligations about everything. “Do what seems fit given the time. Nothing is important and when you can,  just feed the orphans in Balaghat ( our home town) and donate somethings to the needy. She didn’t mean the poor or the brahmans she meant the few ladies who had been the household help for such long time for my parents.

My believer mom let go of the thought of rituals, asthi sanchan ( collecting bones on 4th day), 10th and 12th day prayers and the big feast for friends and family, Ganga pooja-letting go of the ashes in the Ganga and replaced everything with “whatever is convenient for you guys”. For years we have been told all these customs are for the departed soul and its path to Moksha (Nirvana) but she said her children’s convenience is more important than moksha.

Today I am in awe of my parents and thinking about how much I am yet to learn from them. It’s not easy to let go of your life long beliefs and adopt to the changing times .

One of my fav pic of us.

     My parents with us in Goa. for their 50th Anniversary and Dad's 80th Bday we decided to not have a big party but spent few days in Goa - Just 6 of us. 

In Amritsar - A place from My mom's wish list for this lifetime

                                               A kalamkari print to meet a friend for Tea. 

बाटनवारे को लगे ज्यों मेहंदी को रंग - Happiness is contagious.

written on  2/24 

Ma’s love for books is not new. In one of our conversations Amma was thanking her 9th grade teacher, the year the school shifted to a new building and the teacher assigned 5 students to organized the library. These 5 girls would take a few books home to read and bring them back every Monday. They made lifelong friendships with books and with each other. Amma was so grateful to have that “job without pay”. She went on to read many more books because my dad was an avid reader too. We found most of her friends from that life and they are in regular touch with each other now.

This year I made them read many of my favorite authors, used my sister’s amazon account to the fullest. Some of them were Indian American writers and some very progressive ones. Papa was quick to adapt to the new genre but it was hard for my mom. English is not her preferred language. Finally I ordered some of her old familiar authors. Amma had read most of the books in this shipment ages ago and but she had forgotten the stories. It was so refreshing to see her so excited everyday when she would tell me about her day and the book she was reading. She was a woman on a mission. There were days when she would forgo her afternoon nap just to finish the book. The whole lot in this shipment got over in no time. My dad would joke sometimes that she is reading like an out of control train. Yesterday she finished a novel “ Mori Rangde Chunariyan ” by Malti Joshi. It is a story about responsible daughters who take care of the household and their younger siblings, ignoring their own life. She was so overwhelmed by the story that she wrote a letter to the author. Today when I called her that’s what we talked about. How the book reminded her of so many people in her life.

My day today was all about finding Malti Joshi for my mom. Thank goodness for amazing friends, Google, Facebook and WhatApp . I emailed and facebook msged her account and got a response from her son saying Malti Ji would be happy to read the letter and talk to my mom sometime. My mother went to bed happy and smiling to say the least.

My mother’s letter is on its way to its worthy recipient. Hopefully she gets to talk to the author soon. The joy of doing something for “Madam Amma Jha”, putting a smile on her face and a love filled Thank you from her… that’s my reward for today.

On a side note- I reached out to a poet friend to ask if she knew the whereabouts of Malti Joshi. She didn’t but later sent me a message saying that I had made her look for the author and now she is listening to her stories and is spellbound . She thanked me and I said my mother’s desire is the reason for making our “today”. She responded in such a poetic way - बाटनवारे को लगे ज्यों मेहंदी को रंग 

So please keep spreading the joy and be happy, it will brighten your day too...

वे रहीम नर धन्य हैं, पर उपकारी अंग. 

बांटन वारे को लगे, ज्यों मेंहदी को रंग. - रहीम 

This was my look for an important  Zoom meeting. 

This saree was a last minute buy from Kanchipuram. After buying all the silk upstairs we were coming out of the shop and on the ground floor the shopkeeper was showing cotton to a local woman. I stoped and bought simple cotton in 3 colors - Blue, Red and Green. Why I picked blue for that meeting ? you would know soon. 

A beautiful sunny afternoon 50F day. thats all you need some time. a little sun, fresh air and some light

Valentine day? why “just” a day for a love of lifetime?

Written on Feb 14th - Please know this is my opinion. I am happy for people who find happiness in small gesture. I do wish you all happiness, love and everything else in that package :) be it chocolate, roses and gifts :)

I am trying to figure ot what kind of person I am - On this so called “day assigned for love”. Last night during a program When I recited Faiz, a friends called me a romantic , at the same time the talks about expressing love on valentine day made me feel very strange. I don’t even know how to respond to - “happy valentines day”.  

I always had the logic -  why just one day? I want love throughout the year. 

What is love and why expressing it in a certain way matters? Over the years the meaning of love changes. I certainly feel that some attributes are evolving over time. Many of the “musts” are changing into "may be" and many  “optionals” are taking over. Heart and brain are becoming equal partners  and any decision should justify both.

I certainly feel that in my lifetime I have changed how I look at love or I would say expressions of love. I have always been an old soul in some ways and a rebel in others . Flowers, chocolates and gifts were never the  way to my heart then but now I do love flowers once a while and see the thoughtfulness behind a gift. But they cannot substitute the feeling of  respect and of being valued. A fancy dinner cannot be the way to my heart but a thoughtful and stimulating conversation can draw my attention. So the question again pops up - what makes our heart melt. 

Someone I value and respect explained beautifully that "you really dont have to keep saying “I love you” all the time. reminding to put the seatbelt on, asking someone to take some rest or serving food- all these are million ways to express the love.You just have to listen. Love means finding its way to make things woks when everything else is failing."

How subtle but meaningful this explanation is and that is true for every relationship. It didn’t make sense then but 2020 really showed me how to read and listen to those tidbits in our everyday life. 

I woke up to a beautifully done breakfast. There were no chocolates and flowers but the breakfast really won over my heart and soul- the gesture behind it. Anand decided he didn’t want to do anything with Dad’s fancy cooking but the rest 3 of us Pandeys had a fabulous morning. Ajey decided to go for a long drive and Ashish found refuge in TV in the basement. For a change I came into the kitchen and cooked while listening to Jagjit Singh, my refuge from my own struggle with various emotions going on in my own world.

A friend called to tell me she appreciates and loves having me in her life -"I am calling you to let you know- you are one of the valentines in my life". I think that made more sense to me than those "happy valentines day" msgs.

After a long time today 4 of us friends were meeting for an afternoon tea. I stopped to see another one on the way, a very short but very fulfilling visit.  The conversations that day call for another post -  some other day.

Today it’s all about meaning of  love  in form of respect and reciprocation. Wish you all a combination of love, hugs, care, respect, support and understanding - today, tomorrow and always. 

A saree gift from my Brother in Law- Jay  

PC Deepali Khanzode @Winchester MA

Anand was very kind to take pictures for us and complimented me - that was big 

Ajey all ready to drive to Cambridge

The Queen's breakfast

 I woke up to this in the making -Eggs purgatory

And the evening ended like this.. My kind of Valentine day