What is in your wish list - not for this lifetime but after

During my 2012 trip to India I started the conversation with my parents about their wishes and will. We all know how difficult this conversation is in Indian households. No one wants to talk about “what if I die”. We have seen many unpleasant circumstances around us related to death. Hence this conversation was very important. We are 4 sisters with different mindsets when it comes to religious customs and rituals. So it comes down to what “they” want and believe in, not their daughters.

Over the years their wish list has been evolving. My mother had expressed a wish to donate her body and organs for medical research. ( I am so proud of her for thinking out of the box). They have listed down what they really want for their last rites and rituals. I feel strange writing about it, the daughter in me is cringing and hesitating but at the same time the proud daughter cannot wait to let you know how beyond their time my parents are.

They have been writing/modifying their will for a few years now. The idea about assets, jewelry has remained the same but their wishes are evolving.

My parents believe in all rituals and customs, my dad is very religious and my mother is a believer. So we knew they both would want all those rituals  performed in their home in Balaghat. They are Maithil Brahmans so Prayag (Allahabad), Banaras and Gaya are significant places for them.

But Covid changed everyone and I am amazed that my parents adopted the change really well.

Our conversation turned to the newest modification that they are releasing their daughters from all obligations about everything. “Do what seems fit given the time. Nothing is important and when you can,  just feed the orphans in Balaghat ( our home town) and donate somethings to the needy. She didn’t mean the poor or the brahmans she meant the few ladies who had been the household help for such long time for my parents.

My believer mom let go of the thought of rituals, asthi sanchan ( collecting bones on 4th day), 10th and 12th day prayers and the big feast for friends and family, Ganga pooja-letting go of the ashes in the Ganga and replaced everything with “whatever is convenient for you guys”. For years we have been told all these customs are for the departed soul and its path to Moksha (Nirvana) but she said her children’s convenience is more important than moksha.

Today I am in awe of my parents and thinking about how much I am yet to learn from them. It’s not easy to let go of your life long beliefs and adopt to the changing times .

One of my fav pic of us.

     My parents with us in Goa. for their 50th Anniversary and Dad's 80th Bday we decided to not have a big party but spent few days in Goa - Just 6 of us. 

In Amritsar - A place from My mom's wish list for this lifetime

                                               A kalamkari print to meet a friend for Tea. 

बाटनवारे को लगे ज्यों मेहंदी को रंग - Happiness is contagious.

written on  2/24 

Ma’s love for books is not new. In one of our conversations Amma was thanking her 9th grade teacher, the year the school shifted to a new building and the teacher assigned 5 students to organized the library. These 5 girls would take a few books home to read and bring them back every Monday. They made lifelong friendships with books and with each other. Amma was so grateful to have that “job without pay”. She went on to read many more books because my dad was an avid reader too. We found most of her friends from that life and they are in regular touch with each other now.

This year I made them read many of my favorite authors, used my sister’s amazon account to the fullest. Some of them were Indian American writers and some very progressive ones. Papa was quick to adapt to the new genre but it was hard for my mom. English is not her preferred language. Finally I ordered some of her old familiar authors. Amma had read most of the books in this shipment ages ago and but she had forgotten the stories. It was so refreshing to see her so excited everyday when she would tell me about her day and the book she was reading. She was a woman on a mission. There were days when she would forgo her afternoon nap just to finish the book. The whole lot in this shipment got over in no time. My dad would joke sometimes that she is reading like an out of control train. Yesterday she finished a novel “ Mori Rangde Chunariyan ” by Malti Joshi. It is a story about responsible daughters who take care of the household and their younger siblings, ignoring their own life. She was so overwhelmed by the story that she wrote a letter to the author. Today when I called her that’s what we talked about. How the book reminded her of so many people in her life.

My day today was all about finding Malti Joshi for my mom. Thank goodness for amazing friends, Google, Facebook and WhatApp . I emailed and facebook msged her account and got a response from her son saying Malti Ji would be happy to read the letter and talk to my mom sometime. My mother went to bed happy and smiling to say the least.

My mother’s letter is on its way to its worthy recipient. Hopefully she gets to talk to the author soon. The joy of doing something for “Madam Amma Jha”, putting a smile on her face and a love filled Thank you from her… that’s my reward for today.

On a side note- I reached out to a poet friend to ask if she knew the whereabouts of Malti Joshi. She didn’t but later sent me a message saying that I had made her look for the author and now she is listening to her stories and is spellbound . She thanked me and I said my mother’s desire is the reason for making our “today”. She responded in such a poetic way - बाटनवारे को लगे ज्यों मेहंदी को रंग 

So please keep spreading the joy and be happy, it will brighten your day too...

वे रहीम नर धन्य हैं, पर उपकारी अंग. 

बांटन वारे को लगे, ज्यों मेंहदी को रंग. - रहीम 

This was my look for an important  Zoom meeting. 

This saree was a last minute buy from Kanchipuram. After buying all the silk upstairs we were coming out of the shop and on the ground floor the shopkeeper was showing cotton to a local woman. I stoped and bought simple cotton in 3 colors - Blue, Red and Green. Why I picked blue for that meeting ? you would know soon. 

A beautiful sunny afternoon 50F day. thats all you need some time. a little sun, fresh air and some light

Valentine day? why “just” a day for a love of lifetime?

Written on Feb 14th - Please know this is my opinion. I am happy for people who find happiness in small gesture. I do wish you all happiness, love and everything else in that package :) be it chocolate, roses and gifts :)

I am trying to figure ot what kind of person I am - On this so called “day assigned for love”. Last night during a program When I recited Faiz, a friends called me a romantic , at the same time the talks about expressing love on valentine day made me feel very strange. I don’t even know how to respond to - “happy valentines day”.  

I always had the logic -  why just one day? I want love throughout the year. 

What is love and why expressing it in a certain way matters? Over the years the meaning of love changes. I certainly feel that some attributes are evolving over time. Many of the “musts” are changing into "may be" and many  “optionals” are taking over. Heart and brain are becoming equal partners  and any decision should justify both.

I certainly feel that in my lifetime I have changed how I look at love or I would say expressions of love. I have always been an old soul in some ways and a rebel in others . Flowers, chocolates and gifts were never the  way to my heart then but now I do love flowers once a while and see the thoughtfulness behind a gift. But they cannot substitute the feeling of  respect and of being valued. A fancy dinner cannot be the way to my heart but a thoughtful and stimulating conversation can draw my attention. So the question again pops up - what makes our heart melt. 

Someone I value and respect explained beautifully that "you really dont have to keep saying “I love you” all the time. reminding to put the seatbelt on, asking someone to take some rest or serving food- all these are million ways to express the love.You just have to listen. Love means finding its way to make things woks when everything else is failing."

How subtle but meaningful this explanation is and that is true for every relationship. It didn’t make sense then but 2020 really showed me how to read and listen to those tidbits in our everyday life. 

I woke up to a beautifully done breakfast. There were no chocolates and flowers but the breakfast really won over my heart and soul- the gesture behind it. Anand decided he didn’t want to do anything with Dad’s fancy cooking but the rest 3 of us Pandeys had a fabulous morning. Ajey decided to go for a long drive and Ashish found refuge in TV in the basement. For a change I came into the kitchen and cooked while listening to Jagjit Singh, my refuge from my own struggle with various emotions going on in my own world.

A friend called to tell me she appreciates and loves having me in her life -"I am calling you to let you know- you are one of the valentines in my life". I think that made more sense to me than those "happy valentines day" msgs.

After a long time today 4 of us friends were meeting for an afternoon tea. I stopped to see another one on the way, a very short but very fulfilling visit.  The conversations that day call for another post -  some other day.

Today it’s all about meaning of  love  in form of respect and reciprocation. Wish you all a combination of love, hugs, care, respect, support and understanding - today, tomorrow and always. 

A saree gift from my Brother in Law- Jay  

PC Deepali Khanzode @Winchester MA

Anand was very kind to take pictures for us and complimented me - that was big 

Ajey all ready to drive to Cambridge

The Queen's breakfast

 I woke up to this in the making -Eggs purgatory

And the evening ended like this.. My kind of Valentine day

मुझ से तुम जुदा सही, दिल से तो जुदा नहीं - a Bday celebration of the man who defines the love for me

 This year Jagjit Singh’s Bday turned into a special day. if you know me then i dont have to tell you that for me everyday is JS day for years.  Its like part of me  while cooking, cleaning, driving, working I feel wrapped in his beautiful voice. I celebrated him everyday for years. But for his Bday I did post something on Facebook, change my profile picture and share some music with some friends.

Year 2020 added and subtracted many people in our life, as they say - you win some, you lose some. I hope I will be able to talk about my loss some day but today its about adding some happiness and friendship and realizing what is important to hold on to and wise to let go.

Our life changed overnight, people who are around us, were so far all of a sudden.  Felt like doors were shut without notice. All of sudden I was home with 3 men 24/7. We knew nothing and uncertainty wasn’t that scary in the beginning but slowly things started to unfold and we adjusted our expectation and life style. I loved having everyone home but was missing my space. it took time for all of us to get into routine and find a balance. Summer brought brightness and longer days, time in hand, clarity in mind, sunshine and hope. This was the time I added some more poetry and ghazals to my life. Met people who live and breathe Jagjit Singh like me. 

This Bday some of those fans decided to meet in a place in Lonavala. Imagine spending two days with people who share your passion and craziness. forgetting about world, work, job, life, responsibilities, covid and everything else which is called “worldly” and immerse yourself in just your passion.

I couldn’t be there in person but thats what this pandemic taught us - that video calls is one of the best invention for this time. Zoom and FaceTime are our best tools and what’s app is our life line. 

That Sunday it snowed in Boston but It wasn’t cold and my man agreed to be in picture. his long hair is one of the “Covid gain” I had to have a pic with him before he decides to get rid of those “zulfen”(hair)

The saree was bought in Amritsar Summer 2017. I went to Amritsar as it was on ma papa’s bucket list, A trip I also shared with my older son. They bought many fulkari Dupattas for my sisters and some for gifts, I on the other hand wanted a saree. Amongst all those bright colors this saree  caught my eyes. A fulkari, just for my most beloved man from Punjab.

What is love for you? for me today’s it’s one his ghazal. 

   *** फ़ासला तो है मगर ***

फ़ासला तो है मगर, कोई फ़ासला नहीं

मुझ से तुम जुदा सही, दिल से तो जुदा नहीं

आसमाँ की फ़िक्र क्या, आसमाँ ख़फ़ा सही

आप ये बताइये, आप तो ख़फ़ा नहीं

कश्तियाँ नहीं तो क्या, हौसले तो पास हैं 

कह दो नाख़ुदाओं से, तुम कोई ख़ुदा नहीं 

लीजिये बुला लिया, आपको ख़याल में 

अब तो देखिये हमें, कोई देखता नहीं  

आइये चराग़-ए-दिल आज ही जलाएँ हम

कैसी कल हवा चले, कोई जानता नहीं

कारवाँ-ए-आरज़ू इस तरफ़ ना रुख़ करे

उन की रहगुज़र है दिल, आम रास्ता नहीं

किस लिए 'शमीम' से इतनी बद-गुमानियाँ

मिल के देखिये कभी, आदमी बुरा नहीं

-शमीम करहानी

please read my article on Jagjit Singh's 80th Bday 

https://indianewengland.com/2021/02/jagjit-singh-feb-8-1941-oct-10-2011-lijiye-bula-liya-aap-ko-khayal-mein/

He was willing to be in pic and smiling. It was another version of love for me that day. Ashish's style  love - to keep his woman happy he agreed to do this bollywood thing. 

तेरी आँखों में, हमने क्या देखा

कभी कातिल, कभी खुदा देखा

कोई बात ऐसी अगर हुई जो तुम्हारे जी को बुरी लगी

तो बयाँ से पहले ही भूलना तुम्हें याद हो के न याद हो

And then on the other side of the world they were celebrating  a person who gave our emotions and feeling a voice. I so wish I was part of these pictures. 

A Tale of the Covid Era, a conversation with my dad

“I am so done with all this. I just need a vacation, a month long vacation”- My dad declared. I haven’t heard these words from my father ever. I never thought he knew the meaning of “vacation”. He was always a doer and always on the go. I was shocked, but soon our conversation took a different direction, giving me more clarity of his thought process. He really doesn’t not want a“vacation”, he just needs to visit a few people, go to Balaghat, the place we all call “home” and just grieve for the people he has lost in the last one year. ( my parents are with my sister in Bangalore and visit Balaghat every few months, This has been longest away from Balaghat for them, rest of our family is still in that area)

My dad gets the energy from people. (sound familiar ? you know someone of that mold? ;)  The watchman, the newspaper sales person, the school bus driver, the vegetable vendor, the grocery store guy, the flower seller, the coconut water guy , they all wait for him in the morning. He is the one who would say good morning to all these people during his morning walk. My morning walks with him used to be a sum of all sorts of greetings. He needs to see people even if it’s for a few minutes. That’s what keeps him going. He cannot spend a lot of time in one place, always on the go but when he is with you he is totally yours. His attention to details - of people’s life is exemplary. 

Since COVID has forced everyone to stay indoors he is the one who is suffering the most. The more I think about it the better I get to know myself. I am so mini him in many ways. But I could go for a walk, do the socially distant driveway meets, do the Zoom calls. But for him watching TV and reading are the only options. 

We talked for a long time and he was much better. He has lost a few friends and relatives in the last few months and he is feeling helpless that he couldn’t be with their grieving families. That’s who he has been all his life - always there during someone’s difficult time. I think the feeling of helplessness and not being able to do whatever he wants or loves to do is taking its toll on him.

I promised him I would pack my bags and go with him for that trip as soon as we both get the vaccine. Hang on papa, this too  shall pass as you always say.

 Papa with his daughters, He is our rock and we are his pride. 

Papa buying "ber" (Indian Jujube), somewhere during our travel, he stopped the car and bought it because I love them.

In Goa

 I was having a difficult week, funky mood  but I knew I had to do something about it. So decided to change it - wore this simple cotton, a Bagha print, dad's fav kind of print.

Our pallet stove needed some fuel so this saree clad woman went to get some. today I was my ma and grandma - doing household chores in Saree. I am much better now. The Saree holds the magic. the beauty of sunset. Such a calm and serene evening, Thats all I needed I guess. just to step out of the house in a very "homey saree"