If you feel the despair - you are not alone.

witten on 5/3

This Monday morning I should start a fresh week instead my heart and mind lingers in past week.

Last week I was dealing with all sorts of emotions. With COVID ragging in India it’s like every family, every household is in its grip.

I have stopped watching and reading the news, delete WhatsApp forwards without even having a look. I just cannot deal with the insensitiveness and ignorance. Last wednesday I took a mental health day and went to a Tulip farm. It was my first time seeing so many flowers in one place. 3 of us best friends were dealing with our own fears and anxieties about families back home. We were not there for just picking Tulips, we were there away from the realities. But could we do that? We sat there in the midst of the flowers and could only think of our parents and families. How helpless we were and in the back of our mind we are dealing with “what ifs”. 

Our famlies are dealing with so many things related to Covid without many resources and means. So many of us are afraid and don’t want to confront that fear.

Yesterday one of my best friends lost her mom to Covid. I cannot shake off the conversation  we were having in the Tulip field.  Her mom was a vibrant woman, so full of life. Her zest for life was contagious. Two days in the hospital and she decided it was time to shake another world with her laughter and jokes. She was one of a kind, had her own you tube channel for Pati Stories (Stories from grandma). Few years ago I went to see her in Chennai after a shopping trip in Kanjipuram. After feeding me a sumptuous south indian meal she admired and enjoyed my shopping and loved that I got really good sarees for very good prices. Declared on the spot that her daughter is not at all a good shopper and for her granddaughter’s wedding Jaya and Amma will go shopping. Today my heart aches for N, her Nani would have been the first one dancing at that wedding.

I am going though our text exchanges from the last few days and all of us kept saying she will be back soon home with her humor and first thing she will do is complain about the mismanagement in the hospital.

Last night I sat with my friend speechless and afraid in my own mind. We cannot even go to be with our loved ones. I am not a religious person but I am this close to repeating the same as my friend posted on her wall - “Daya Karo Prabhu”  ( Have pity on us please god)

We all dealt with fear last year here in USA but this is just exhausting now. 

Please hold each other tight, call your mom and dad and tell them you love them because you never know what is coming and who is next. 

PC- Sunayana's instagram pic - sometime you just need to borrow when you cannot find your own words.

Some time thats all I need to get through the day. Smiling Amma