Conversations with my mom - the regrets

While talking to my mom the conversation turned towards PDA(as in public display of affection). She had a busy youth, working full time, 4 daughters and a busy household with in laws and lots of visitors. My parents never had time to do fun things with us. We didn’t take vacations, went for fun trips or to amusement parks but we read a lot, talked about history and the world and spent a lot of time together doing household chores and taking care of the people around us. 

Now she regrets not spending time with us. प्यार जताने के लिए time ही नही था (there was no time to show love)-she always says. Today we were talking about my nani (grandmother). She was a tiny woman and always enjoyed hugs and kisses from all of us. She sure enjoyed our PDA. I guess she never got that from my nana (grandfather) or my mother and her siblings. Those days hugs and kisses were not the way to express love instead cooking, cleaning and feeding and generally taking care of someone was may be. 

I think it is even harder for men. But things change over time and  more so with grandkids. It’s so easy for us to show our love, express and verbalize our feelings these days. My phone calls with them starts and ends with kisses and love yous. I have always been a hugger and don’t mind saying it if I miss someone or love someone. On the other hand if I don’t like something I won’t mind expressing that either.

As a daughter, sister, wife, friend I need some validation and some time reciprocation of love. I do , not exactly PDA but who says no to hugs and kisses. My men ( yes all 3 ;) are smothered with love and I get plenty in return from two of them and yes I could change THE one man a little bit. He has always been a reluctant hugger in public but who cares - I am enough to make up.

What do you do? How do you show your love. Do you hug and kiss your spouse in front of your kids? Is there anything called too much of PDA ?

  Would you call is PDA ;) I got it from my mom, she always loved flower but I had never seen my dad putting it there, well things change this time around.

I on the other had am a queen of PDA. So my men have to deal with it, I never shy away of showing my love to people I love. 

"Stop wasting your love on undeserving people" - an advice worth listening?

A friend made a comment and it got me thinking about boundaries in any relationship. How much we give in a relationship and should we expect something in return? The message was a suggestion for me to ‘“stop giving your attention to people who rarely or never make time for you” 

It struck a cord and bothered me for days because I always thought we do things because they make us happy, not for other people. It is not 100% true either, because we expect something in return, some respect, reciprocation, adulation and admiration. At the same time I know it shouldn’t be the driving force for our behavior. Hence the remark stayed with me, I couldn’t get over it. 

My morning conversation with my dad started with that question. He is one of those people who always would call/write and worry about people.  He will remember everyone’s birthday and anniversary and make sure to wish them. Keeps in touch with everyone, that’s who he is. I asked him how he felt about it and he agreed that we need to find a balance between being a giver and then being careful not to live in a one sided relationship. It has to have a balance. He said he is thinking differently at this stage of his life, he is not “overdoing” it anymore and asked me to find that balance for me too. He told me to follow my heart and advised that I should know who really care for me and keep them close. I need to worry if I am depleting my energy on people who just don’t care in investing in a friendship.  

इतने हिस्सों में बट गया हूँ मैं 

मेरे हिस्से में कुछ बचा ही नहीं -कृष्ण बिहारी नूर

The saree is a gift of love. a dear friend from highschool came to drop her daughter and visited me with her husband and daughter. . She met me after 30+ yrs. They live in Surat, Its a textile capital of India. They got me 6 sarees this is one of them. 

We bought the house in 2003 and Marge was our realtor, and soon enough she had taken over the role of my American mom. Pie from her for our Thanksgiving. 

The saree is a reminder that I do have people who will not check their schedule for me, they will adjust their day according to my schedule for me. 

I haven't known Maria for very long but you would never know if you see us together. sometimes you just have a place in your life and heart saved just for someone special. We both found that in each other. a Sunday afternoon lunch with Maria. 

A Diwali to remember Nov 2020

 Every year I promise my self I will do better next year and it happened again.

I celebrate Diwali at my house, invite some close friends and neighbors, both indian and non Indian. Many of them meet once a year at my home. The evening is all about food and fun. Every year I decide I will cook fewer dishes, get ready on time, paint my nails and put on some makeup and all these promises to myself fail every year. I always make a few things more than the planned menu, always rush to get ready and never have time to do some extra “dressing up”. By the time we are done, everyone is well fed, happy, boxes ready for their lunch next day.

This year we are modifying everything and Covid sure made us think about what is important to us.

With all the things to consider, I had to cut short my guest list. We decided to meet for outdoor lunch with the 3 other families I grew old with. We are still not meeting indoors and maintaining the social distancing protocol. Miyan lit the firepit so ladies could enjoy wearing their sarees without freezing.

We sat around fire eating and chatting. It didn’t feel like Diwali night but sure it felt like celebration. It was strange to not have the whole crowd in my home for Diwali. The texts from many of them assured me that they were missing it too.

I didn’t cook too many dishes but again it was plenty of food for leftovers, I still couldn’t get ready the way I wanted to but it didn’t matter. My table was not as full as the years goneby but it was still fun. I still couldn’t manage to paint my nails , or do my hair and this year couldn’t even do any rangoli. Once everyone left I took a nap in the afternoon on the day of Diwali.

Evening felt so weird with nothing much to do when under normal circumstances my house would be full of friends and food and laughter, other than loading the dishwasher, cleaning and putting things away. I made Khichadi for dinner. Things are different yet the same. I went to bed feeling content, happy, grateful and with a smile on my face.

A beautiful Banarasi georgette from Banaras. So prefect for a chilly, breezy, not so sunny fall day.

I wish i also had time for a nicer pic- every year this happens too.

Anand didnt want to be any part of it so he stayed in his room eating pasta while everyone else was devouring his moms cooking. so this was our family -1 picture.

Today, tomorrow and always - This too shall pass.

***Posted on Nov 3rd 2020 afternoon*** the Election day

 

Its a weird day for all of us. and today during my routine call I was talking to my mom about racial, cultural and political divide- the era we live in.

She listens as she always does and then we move on to some old stories. Today- in all these days - she decides to tell me the story how she was sold for 50 paisa when she was born.

My mother is post independence girl in a new India, born in a small village in Chattisgarh. there was only one muslim family out of 300+ household.

My grandma lost 2 daughters ( still born) and then when my mom was born, a muslim neighbor bought my mother for 50 paisa. then in return gave away the girl to my grandma as ख़ैरात benefaction.

My mother survived. My grandma always felt grateful for the trade or transaction. I was joking that allah and god both were watching over her.

Today after our conversation I realize how important it it to have that in mind. while driving I noticed two neighbor across the street had Biden/ Harris and Trump/pence yard sign.

After today, I hope they still be able to hold each other’s hand in solidarity with fight against, poverty, Covid, injustice and extremism of any kind. I hope they help each other in sickness and bad time and celebrate good time.

Today is this weird state of mind all I can think of how a 50 paisa exchange for a child made my heart smile and taught it to be hopeful. 

We are going to be fine people. just be nice and kind to each other. 

A morning in CapeCod. The sun is reminder of warmth and energy.  

The Sign made me write this post. Notice the sign. I wonder and hope they are nice to each other. because in next winter storm neither party people are coming to help them, they have to be there for each other.

The Tree in my yard, It was lush, full and alive just couple of weeks ago. Today it stands barren but I know first sign of spring and it will be the same again. its a cycle this too shall pass as long as we hold on to our roots. Breathe and smile.

What is a meaningful relationship for you.

Today I realized how difficult it is to leave a cozy sofa and blanket and turn off the TV. When we started the movie it was engaging enough but then it was just not going anywhere.  Since we were so settled we ended up watching the whole movie, hoping there was something in the climax. Unfortunately there wasn’t but it inspired me to write about relationships.

The movie - “On the Rocks” is about a father and daughter relationship, there are conversations and lessons learnt.

Couple of days ago I was chatting with a friend about how various relationships have a different meaning for everyone . What is a meaningful relationship for you?

We were discussing how we all define our friendships. It can mean something totally different to others from what it means to you and me. In a way it starts at home, the relationship with parents or their’s with each other. A child learns from his or her parents what marriage, companionship and partnership mean. The relationship with parents also impacts one’s own relationship with their children. Many a times our relationship with our parents defines what kind of parents we will be. We learn from them and strangely some will try their hardest not to be like their own parents. We pick the traits of partnership and parenting right from our childhood.

When we started talking it was like a never ending discussion, but it revolved mostly around what friendships mean to women. The word  “superficial” came up and strangely we both agreed how much everyone dislikes it but most of the friendships fall into this catagory.

The conversation ended with a promise that we both will be honest with each other and if something bothers us we would have a conversation about it. 

Today’s movie sure was disappointing but made me recall that conversation. My relationship with my parents, sisters, my husband, my in laws, and my sons has a lot to do with my upbringing and childhood. Then come the friendships and that depicts who I am as a person. When I look back, I realize I have good instincts to find likeminded people and tend to hold on to my friendships. A dear friend calls me a good people magnet. But at the same time I come out as a straight forward person, who cannot have superficial friendships. . I have learnt to get the goodness from people and let go their limitation to certain extent. At the same time I don’t take people for granted but wouldn’t let anyone do the same to me too. But again It has a lot to do with what I have seen in my family. 

But its not about me it is about you too, What do you expect in your relationships?

A simple cotton Saree - My dad bought it from a village close to our home. This saree is ages old.

 It has warmth and comfort from home.

 My dad and I on FaceTime. 

Ashish's 50th Bday lunch out at a farm in Natick, MA. these pics make me smile so they are here for no reason :)

A day in Provincetown -Oct 2020

I was born and raised in the central part of India. I saw the ocean for the first time when I was 24 years old. Guess what -the other half of my life I have been living next to the ocean, first in Singapore and now in Boston. It’s like making up for lost time.

I don’t miss any chance to rush to a waterbody, be it a brook, a stream or a pond  if not the ocean. I am a Pisces, if one believes in sun signs and the characteristics associated with them. I love water! 

3 friends decided to take an overnight break in Cape Cod. I somehow couldn’t do the overnight but decided to meet them there the next day.

The national shore line is very famous for its amazing sunrise and it has been on my list for some time.

I decided to go view the sunrise before meeting them for breakfast.

I left home at 4:50 am and drove 100 miles to the beach in an hour and a half. My drive was amazing with chai and ghazals. I smiled, laughed and cried with Jagjit Singh.

Desire, Face to face and Unforgettables were the albums of the day.

Once I reached there, my parents and sister were my companions for a beautiful sunrise. It could have been foggy or cloudy but no, it was a beautiful, crisp and amazing morning.

I met 3 wonderful women, had a fabulous breakfast and painted the town red with my friends. 

I decided to wear a saree for my adventurous day and sure enough the day, the saree and the people I shared my day with didn’t disappoint me. A beautiful day was spent with amazing people and we made some awesome memories.

I did go to two beaches in the morning ,the harbor and Marina during the day and then came back to visit two beaches with the girls.

 A very long 14 hour day, with a beautiful sunrise and an almost sunset on the water, 270 miles driven, 3 ghazal albums and almost 4 hours of driving made me a very happy woman.

I am glad I got to do this. I consider myself very fortunate that the Pandey men understand the importance of “my” time and these unusual needs. 

I write this post with a feeling of gratitude for everyone in my life who has helped me grow as a person.

Story Continues.- Photoshoot for saree Sakhies Oct 17th Saturday

The next day the group decided to meet at the pond/park at 4 PM. It turned out to be a beautiful day, warm enough and sunny. The reflection of colored leaves on water - uff It was a beautiful sight.

I didnt want to wear grey for the pics so wore Pink and made my son take pics.  He really did an awesome job with that one shot. I was a happy woman. I think that one pic made me so happy that I was ready for grey for the evening .

Years ago during my 100 Saree Pact days I made friends with Snimer Kaur Sahni. An amazing woman and a Saree connoisseur. One of her post she mentioned she was in Assam. I requested her to get me a Mekhela chador. She got me a beautiful one and it has been waiting for its day for over 2 yrs.  I think It was the day for Mekhela Chador. So after a quick change from pink to Grey I was on my way to the park. It was a 20 mins drive for me. I was the first one. so again I pulled my chair, coffee and Jagjit Singh :) 

Soon the rest of the crowd was in . I have taken over the Photographer duty for the group unofficially. so next hour and half I saw beauty though the camera.  That evening all we did was pose and pics. we all took turn in taking pictures. After 100s of pics that evening the photoshoot saga ended with some snack and a promise to do it again next year. 

We all were happy women that evening. We are doing much better in our saree group this Covid era. We are talking more, meeting more and sareeing more. 

The Saree has a story of someone buying, getting the fall and stitching done. She has never met me - yet- she did this and more for me.

Someone brought that saree to me here in Boston. One saree holds the story of respect, care and love. - what this saree means to me - that saga some other day.

आपके दम से तो दुनिया का भरम है कायम

आप जब हैं तो ज़माने की ज़रूरत क्या है

तेरा कूचा तेरा दर तेरी गली काफ़ी हैं

बेठिकानो को ठिकाने की ज़रूरत क्या है

-शाहिद कबीर

A day off Friday Oct 16th

Navratri starts with color code now :) The days are colored :) 

No golu, no garba- dandiya, No haldi kumkum, no Bengali Durga pooja, what would the women do :) BUT we are “devi’s” we will find solution for everything.

Our group is buzzing with excitement because they decided to wear sarees and post pictures. EVERYDAY :)

I took a day off, Just a mental health day. It was a beautiful fall rainy day . The Man and the boys were busy with work (Good for me) 

I took off with a big cup of chai and drove around. Did some errands and just discovered the all new areas of fall colors.

One tiny park had a pond and leaves. I made a quick stop, Pulled my chair out of car ( you see these days I have small table, chair, flipflop, a blanket and another to lay on the ground , paper towels, hand sanitizer and water bottle all the time - want to join for picnic ;) and played few ghazals of Jagjit Singh. Then I was ready to be back home for my Ghar Grihasthi (घर गृहस्थी) 

The time spent  alone gave me energy and a location. posted in my Saree Speak group and before I knew my gang was ready for photoshoot at that place next day.

Next morning. I just couldn’t get to wear the color of the day.. so this beauty came out. It is my very first Mysore Crepe Saree. years old but still close to my heart. 

Location - Home - PC- the Older son . The one who gets my need for a nice picture. He is work in progress but soon enough I will have a trained photographer.