Valentine day? why “just” a day for a love of lifetime?

Written on Feb 14th - Please know this is my opinion. I am happy for people who find happiness in small gesture. I do wish you all happiness, love and everything else in that package :) be it chocolate, roses and gifts :)

I am trying to figure ot what kind of person I am - On this so called “day assigned for love”. Last night during a program When I recited Faiz, a friends called me a romantic , at the same time the talks about expressing love on valentine day made me feel very strange. I don’t even know how to respond to - “happy valentines day”.  

I always had the logic -  why just one day? I want love throughout the year. 

What is love and why expressing it in a certain way matters? Over the years the meaning of love changes. I certainly feel that some attributes are evolving over time. Many of the “musts” are changing into "may be" and many  “optionals” are taking over. Heart and brain are becoming equal partners  and any decision should justify both.

I certainly feel that in my lifetime I have changed how I look at love or I would say expressions of love. I have always been an old soul in some ways and a rebel in others . Flowers, chocolates and gifts were never the  way to my heart then but now I do love flowers once a while and see the thoughtfulness behind a gift. But they cannot substitute the feeling of  respect and of being valued. A fancy dinner cannot be the way to my heart but a thoughtful and stimulating conversation can draw my attention. So the question again pops up - what makes our heart melt. 

Someone I value and respect explained beautifully that "you really dont have to keep saying “I love you” all the time. reminding to put the seatbelt on, asking someone to take some rest or serving food- all these are million ways to express the love.You just have to listen. Love means finding its way to make things woks when everything else is failing."

How subtle but meaningful this explanation is and that is true for every relationship. It didn’t make sense then but 2020 really showed me how to read and listen to those tidbits in our everyday life. 

I woke up to a beautifully done breakfast. There were no chocolates and flowers but the breakfast really won over my heart and soul- the gesture behind it. Anand decided he didn’t want to do anything with Dad’s fancy cooking but the rest 3 of us Pandeys had a fabulous morning. Ajey decided to go for a long drive and Ashish found refuge in TV in the basement. For a change I came into the kitchen and cooked while listening to Jagjit Singh, my refuge from my own struggle with various emotions going on in my own world.

A friend called to tell me she appreciates and loves having me in her life -"I am calling you to let you know- you are one of the valentines in my life". I think that made more sense to me than those "happy valentines day" msgs.

After a long time today 4 of us friends were meeting for an afternoon tea. I stopped to see another one on the way, a very short but very fulfilling visit.  The conversations that day call for another post -  some other day.

Today it’s all about meaning of  love  in form of respect and reciprocation. Wish you all a combination of love, hugs, care, respect, support and understanding - today, tomorrow and always. 

A saree gift from my Brother in Law- Jay  

PC Deepali Khanzode @Winchester MA

Anand was very kind to take pictures for us and complimented me - that was big 

Ajey all ready to drive to Cambridge

The Queen's breakfast

 I woke up to this in the making -Eggs purgatory

And the evening ended like this.. My kind of Valentine day

मुझ से तुम जुदा सही, दिल से तो जुदा नहीं - a Bday celebration of the man who defines the love for me

 This year Jagjit Singh’s Bday turned into a special day. if you know me then i dont have to tell you that for me everyday is JS day for years.  Its like part of me  while cooking, cleaning, driving, working I feel wrapped in his beautiful voice. I celebrated him everyday for years. But for his Bday I did post something on Facebook, change my profile picture and share some music with some friends.

Year 2020 added and subtracted many people in our life, as they say - you win some, you lose some. I hope I will be able to talk about my loss some day but today its about adding some happiness and friendship and realizing what is important to hold on to and wise to let go.

Our life changed overnight, people who are around us, were so far all of a sudden.  Felt like doors were shut without notice. All of sudden I was home with 3 men 24/7. We knew nothing and uncertainty wasn’t that scary in the beginning but slowly things started to unfold and we adjusted our expectation and life style. I loved having everyone home but was missing my space. it took time for all of us to get into routine and find a balance. Summer brought brightness and longer days, time in hand, clarity in mind, sunshine and hope. This was the time I added some more poetry and ghazals to my life. Met people who live and breathe Jagjit Singh like me. 

This Bday some of those fans decided to meet in a place in Lonavala. Imagine spending two days with people who share your passion and craziness. forgetting about world, work, job, life, responsibilities, covid and everything else which is called “worldly” and immerse yourself in just your passion.

I couldn’t be there in person but thats what this pandemic taught us - that video calls is one of the best invention for this time. Zoom and FaceTime are our best tools and what’s app is our life line. 

That Sunday it snowed in Boston but It wasn’t cold and my man agreed to be in picture. his long hair is one of the “Covid gain” I had to have a pic with him before he decides to get rid of those “zulfen”(hair)

The saree was bought in Amritsar Summer 2017. I went to Amritsar as it was on ma papa’s bucket list, A trip I also shared with my older son. They bought many fulkari Dupattas for my sisters and some for gifts, I on the other hand wanted a saree. Amongst all those bright colors this saree  caught my eyes. A fulkari, just for my most beloved man from Punjab.

What is love for you? for me today’s it’s one his ghazal. 

   *** फ़ासला तो है मगर ***

फ़ासला तो है मगर, कोई फ़ासला नहीं

मुझ से तुम जुदा सही, दिल से तो जुदा नहीं

आसमाँ की फ़िक्र क्या, आसमाँ ख़फ़ा सही

आप ये बताइये, आप तो ख़फ़ा नहीं

कश्तियाँ नहीं तो क्या, हौसले तो पास हैं 

कह दो नाख़ुदाओं से, तुम कोई ख़ुदा नहीं 

लीजिये बुला लिया, आपको ख़याल में 

अब तो देखिये हमें, कोई देखता नहीं  

आइये चराग़-ए-दिल आज ही जलाएँ हम

कैसी कल हवा चले, कोई जानता नहीं

कारवाँ-ए-आरज़ू इस तरफ़ ना रुख़ करे

उन की रहगुज़र है दिल, आम रास्ता नहीं

किस लिए 'शमीम' से इतनी बद-गुमानियाँ

मिल के देखिये कभी, आदमी बुरा नहीं

-शमीम करहानी

please read my article on Jagjit Singh's 80th Bday 

https://indianewengland.com/2021/02/jagjit-singh-feb-8-1941-oct-10-2011-lijiye-bula-liya-aap-ko-khayal-mein/

He was willing to be in pic and smiling. It was another version of love for me that day. Ashish's style  love - to keep his woman happy he agreed to do this bollywood thing. 

तेरी आँखों में, हमने क्या देखा

कभी कातिल, कभी खुदा देखा

कोई बात ऐसी अगर हुई जो तुम्हारे जी को बुरी लगी

तो बयाँ से पहले ही भूलना तुम्हें याद हो के न याद हो

And then on the other side of the world they were celebrating  a person who gave our emotions and feeling a voice. I so wish I was part of these pictures. 

A Tale of the Covid Era, a conversation with my dad

“I am so done with all this. I just need a vacation, a month long vacation”- My dad declared. I haven’t heard these words from my father ever. I never thought he knew the meaning of “vacation”. He was always a doer and always on the go. I was shocked, but soon our conversation took a different direction, giving me more clarity of his thought process. He really doesn’t not want a“vacation”, he just needs to visit a few people, go to Balaghat, the place we all call “home” and just grieve for the people he has lost in the last one year. ( my parents are with my sister in Bangalore and visit Balaghat every few months, This has been longest away from Balaghat for them, rest of our family is still in that area)

My dad gets the energy from people. (sound familiar ? you know someone of that mold? ;)  The watchman, the newspaper sales person, the school bus driver, the vegetable vendor, the grocery store guy, the flower seller, the coconut water guy , they all wait for him in the morning. He is the one who would say good morning to all these people during his morning walk. My morning walks with him used to be a sum of all sorts of greetings. He needs to see people even if it’s for a few minutes. That’s what keeps him going. He cannot spend a lot of time in one place, always on the go but when he is with you he is totally yours. His attention to details - of people’s life is exemplary. 

Since COVID has forced everyone to stay indoors he is the one who is suffering the most. The more I think about it the better I get to know myself. I am so mini him in many ways. But I could go for a walk, do the socially distant driveway meets, do the Zoom calls. But for him watching TV and reading are the only options. 

We talked for a long time and he was much better. He has lost a few friends and relatives in the last few months and he is feeling helpless that he couldn’t be with their grieving families. That’s who he has been all his life - always there during someone’s difficult time. I think the feeling of helplessness and not being able to do whatever he wants or loves to do is taking its toll on him.

I promised him I would pack my bags and go with him for that trip as soon as we both get the vaccine. Hang on papa, this too  shall pass as you always say.

 Papa with his daughters, He is our rock and we are his pride. 

Papa buying "ber" (Indian Jujube), somewhere during our travel, he stopped the car and bought it because I love them.

In Goa

 I was having a difficult week, funky mood  but I knew I had to do something about it. So decided to change it - wore this simple cotton, a Bagha print, dad's fav kind of print.

Our pallet stove needed some fuel so this saree clad woman went to get some. today I was my ma and grandma - doing household chores in Saree. I am much better now. The Saree holds the magic. the beauty of sunset. Such a calm and serene evening, Thats all I needed I guess. just to step out of the house in a very "homey saree"

You wish I wish - the story of Mother in law - this one or that one :)

We all meet people in life, and wish they were ours somehow. Someone’s friend, sister, mom, boy friend, husband, kids and yes Mother in law too. Actually this happens more often than you know. So many aunties are cooler than our own mom, at least we felt at that time

I remember having that argument with my sons when they were young. Their friends mom gives cookies and pizza every day, someone gave money to buy lunch everyday, someone bought icecream everyday and so on. I one day said go and live with them, exchange offer is accepted. Both of the boys repeated the same arguments :)

This saree is holds the story of such may be, could be - Mother In Law. I always met so many wonderful women, many of them said they would have loved DIL like me. I won’t lie I did meet some women who were amazing MILs. 

My sister moved to Chennai. A beautiful, fair, smart, hardworking girl in a total new place. She is amazing with languages so in no time she could speak Tamil. I remember her arguing with an Auto Riksha driver in Tamil and i was in awe. Imagine a beautiful very North Indian girl talking to Auto Driver because he was trying to fool her in paying more in English and she responding in Tamil :)

She made few new friends and one of them introduced her to his mother. The only son takes a north Indian girl home, I wonder what must have come to the mom’s mind. She adored my sister and always treated her well. Soon my sister became her confidant.  She shared, talked, consulted, argued and discussed various things with my sister. Meanwhile My sister met her Mr Right and  got married and eventually that friend found his dream woman too. I wondered some times what would have happened if my bother in law hadn’t made an appearance in my sister's life at that time. Did Auntie think of my sister as her future DIL, Did she wonder what ifs? Does she wish her son would have married my sister? 

Does she or doesnt she?

 A beautiful Kanji a gift from Auntie to Seema, it has been with me for years, this beautiful, chilly 50F day was just perfect for a thick silk.

A warm and sunny day and Boston Saree group has to meet This time I picked the park in my neighborhood. 10 of us ladies met on a little chili afternoon and we laughed, giggled and had fun.A woman with a camera approached and asked if we would like her to take our pictures. When she introduced herself I recognized her as I have seen her pictures on town facebook page. She loved our sarees and was very kind and patient with us. She took our group and individual pictures. It was funny that we said masks off instead of “cheese” while taking pictures. 

Conversations with my mom - the regrets

While talking to my mom the conversation turned towards PDA(as in public display of affection). She had a busy youth, working full time, 4 daughters and a busy household with in laws and lots of visitors. My parents never had time to do fun things with us. We didn’t take vacations, went for fun trips or to amusement parks but we read a lot, talked about history and the world and spent a lot of time together doing household chores and taking care of the people around us. 

Now she regrets not spending time with us. प्यार जताने के लिए time ही नही था (there was no time to show love)-she always says. Today we were talking about my nani (grandmother). She was a tiny woman and always enjoyed hugs and kisses from all of us. She sure enjoyed our PDA. I guess she never got that from my nana (grandfather) or my mother and her siblings. Those days hugs and kisses were not the way to express love instead cooking, cleaning and feeding and generally taking care of someone was may be. 

I think it is even harder for men. But things change over time and  more so with grandkids. It’s so easy for us to show our love, express and verbalize our feelings these days. My phone calls with them starts and ends with kisses and love yous. I have always been a hugger and don’t mind saying it if I miss someone or love someone. On the other hand if I don’t like something I won’t mind expressing that either.

As a daughter, sister, wife, friend I need some validation and some time reciprocation of love. I do , not exactly PDA but who says no to hugs and kisses. My men ( yes all 3 ;) are smothered with love and I get plenty in return from two of them and yes I could change THE one man a little bit. He has always been a reluctant hugger in public but who cares - I am enough to make up.

What do you do? How do you show your love. Do you hug and kiss your spouse in front of your kids? Is there anything called too much of PDA ?

  Would you call is PDA ;) I got it from my mom, she always loved flower but I had never seen my dad putting it there, well things change this time around.

I on the other had am a queen of PDA. So my men have to deal with it, I never shy away of showing my love to people I love. 

"Stop wasting your love on undeserving people" - an advice worth listening?

A friend made a comment and it got me thinking about boundaries in any relationship. How much we give in a relationship and should we expect something in return? The message was a suggestion for me to ‘“stop giving your attention to people who rarely or never make time for you” 

It struck a cord and bothered me for days because I always thought we do things because they make us happy, not for other people. It is not 100% true either, because we expect something in return, some respect, reciprocation, adulation and admiration. At the same time I know it shouldn’t be the driving force for our behavior. Hence the remark stayed with me, I couldn’t get over it. 

My morning conversation with my dad started with that question. He is one of those people who always would call/write and worry about people.  He will remember everyone’s birthday and anniversary and make sure to wish them. Keeps in touch with everyone, that’s who he is. I asked him how he felt about it and he agreed that we need to find a balance between being a giver and then being careful not to live in a one sided relationship. It has to have a balance. He said he is thinking differently at this stage of his life, he is not “overdoing” it anymore and asked me to find that balance for me too. He told me to follow my heart and advised that I should know who really care for me and keep them close. I need to worry if I am depleting my energy on people who just don’t care in investing in a friendship.  

इतने हिस्सों में बट गया हूँ मैं 

मेरे हिस्से में कुछ बचा ही नहीं -कृष्ण बिहारी नूर

The saree is a gift of love. a dear friend from highschool came to drop her daughter and visited me with her husband and daughter. . She met me after 30+ yrs. They live in Surat, Its a textile capital of India. They got me 6 sarees this is one of them. 

We bought the house in 2003 and Marge was our realtor, and soon enough she had taken over the role of my American mom. Pie from her for our Thanksgiving. 

The saree is a reminder that I do have people who will not check their schedule for me, they will adjust their day according to my schedule for me. 

I haven't known Maria for very long but you would never know if you see us together. sometimes you just have a place in your life and heart saved just for someone special. We both found that in each other. a Sunday afternoon lunch with Maria. 

A Diwali to remember Nov 2020

 Every year I promise my self I will do better next year and it happened again.

I celebrate Diwali at my house, invite some close friends and neighbors, both indian and non Indian. Many of them meet once a year at my home. The evening is all about food and fun. Every year I decide I will cook fewer dishes, get ready on time, paint my nails and put on some makeup and all these promises to myself fail every year. I always make a few things more than the planned menu, always rush to get ready and never have time to do some extra “dressing up”. By the time we are done, everyone is well fed, happy, boxes ready for their lunch next day.

This year we are modifying everything and Covid sure made us think about what is important to us.

With all the things to consider, I had to cut short my guest list. We decided to meet for outdoor lunch with the 3 other families I grew old with. We are still not meeting indoors and maintaining the social distancing protocol. Miyan lit the firepit so ladies could enjoy wearing their sarees without freezing.

We sat around fire eating and chatting. It didn’t feel like Diwali night but sure it felt like celebration. It was strange to not have the whole crowd in my home for Diwali. The texts from many of them assured me that they were missing it too.

I didn’t cook too many dishes but again it was plenty of food for leftovers, I still couldn’t get ready the way I wanted to but it didn’t matter. My table was not as full as the years goneby but it was still fun. I still couldn’t manage to paint my nails , or do my hair and this year couldn’t even do any rangoli. Once everyone left I took a nap in the afternoon on the day of Diwali.

Evening felt so weird with nothing much to do when under normal circumstances my house would be full of friends and food and laughter, other than loading the dishwasher, cleaning and putting things away. I made Khichadi for dinner. Things are different yet the same. I went to bed feeling content, happy, grateful and with a smile on my face.

A beautiful Banarasi georgette from Banaras. So prefect for a chilly, breezy, not so sunny fall day.

I wish i also had time for a nicer pic- every year this happens too.

Anand didnt want to be any part of it so he stayed in his room eating pasta while everyone else was devouring his moms cooking. so this was our family -1 picture.